Heaven

Sunday June 27, 2010

I was in junior high when I realized that I didn't want to go to heaven. Nothing that the pastor described about heaven was anything I wanted to spend eternity doing. Heaven was going to be some stark white place like a sanitized hospital room where we sat around on white fluffy clouds and played harps and sang worship songs.

I didn't mind the idea of singing, because I like to sing, but singing non-stop for the rest of FOR-EV-ER sounded a little tiring. And I prefer the piano to the harp and those clouds looked a little small to hold a black Steinway baby grand. And, while the idea of streets made of gold was pretty, I really like trees and grass and the moon and stars.

So, I decided that if heaven was all white clouds and harps and gold streets, I'd rather not go to heaven. Which was really scary because I was pretty sure that the only other alternative was going to hell and the concept of spending eternity on fire wasn't exactly appealing either.

You can imagine my internal struggle and the anxiety it caused.

It was only much later in life, when a different pastor talked about how the earth was going to be renewed and there would be a new earth AND a new heaven (best of both worlds!) that I finally found peace with spending eternity in heaven. Which is silly...because who has to find peace with going to heaven?! What a small, very human imagination I have. What I failed to truly grasp was that heaven isn't going to be amazing because grandpa will be there and there will be streets of gold, or mansions, or even trees and bubbling brooks. Heaven is going to be amazing because I'll be in the presence of CHRIST for eternity and I'll FINALLY be able to truly see Him as he is. THAT is what makes Heaven, heaven.

So, the question was posed on Sunday, by Matt Chandler (who is the man, by the way), "What is it that stirs your affection for Christ?" What is it that makes you LONG to know him, the way that David and Moses and Paul LONGED for Him? In a passionate, desperate kind of way; in the kind of way that probably makes a lot of people today think "freak" or "nutso".

That is the question that I have been mentally chewing on since Sunday. What stirs my affection for Christ. What makes me want to know Him more? To love Him more? To long for heaven so I can be with Him?

Here's what I've come up with so far:

The Word

Music- not just the lyrics, but the music itself. The melody and harmony that reaches out and touches something my heart and moves me to tears.

The moon, especially when it's full


Clouds




The smell of freshly cut grass or of a BBQ grill

The wind

Thunder storms. Lightening that strikes jet black skies into mid-day and thunder that booms, shaking my window panes. Storms that make me in awe of how awesomely HUGE God must be and what a peon I am in the vastness of the universe.




Austin- because only a God who truly loves me and knows me better than I know myself could have created a man like Austin, so perfectly matched for me.

The sound of the kids laughing

My dad

Saturday June 26, 2010

I hate bugs.

They're either gross (flies...poop and vomit every time they land?!), annoying (those moths that fly into your house when you open the door at night and get stuck in your light fixtures), or they bite/sting/attack you (bees, wasps, fire ants). FYI- interesting fact of the day, I've never been stung by a bee or wasp before.

But, part of me is kind of fascinated with them. Which is why when Austin points out a cool looking beetle at the dog park, I get up really close to it to take a picture.


And then Austin says "Watch out. Those bite." WHAT??

I hate bugs.

Friday June 25, 2010

ONE MONTH TIL THE WEDDING!!!

Holy crap. There's so much to do!

And MORE packages!!! (note, I waited to open both this one AND the other one I wrote about earlier, until Austin got back Friday evening. I'm impressed with myself for that :))



This one was an artificial potted tree from Merrill with a note that read "So proud of you. It's the funniest". Yes, Merrill, yes it is :)

Thursday, June...what was the date on Thursday??

Thursday June 24, 2010 When people hear that Austin and I are getting married, the follow up question (after the typical "oh! What's the date? So soon? How's planning coming?" conversation) is frequently, "When are you going to start having kids?" Uh...I don't even have all the details of our wedding figured out yet. I have no idea.

I mean, we've talked about it. We both want kids, but we both agree that we want to wait a while and enjoy married life for a while first. Austin would probably say we need to pay off some debt first :) I would say that I want time to travel before our universe becomes baby-centric. So, kids are in the future, just where in the vague future, I don't know.

I do often wonder though what kind of parents we'll be. I know that Austin will be an amazing father, he's wonderful with kids. And after 3 nieces and nephews and a 4th on the way, I think I'm pretty good with kids too. But, I wonder what our parenting styles will be. Will I be the strict one to Austin's more laid back approach? Will I be the pushover? Maybe it will be a combination?

I was in the mall with my nephews on Thursday and I was pondering parenting. I thought of parents who have their kids on leashes in public so they don't run too far. And of parents who's kids are tearing down the sunglasses display at Target while mommy is looking at a new purse. I hope I'm somewhere in the middle. At the dog park, they call it "voice control". Your dog can be off leash as long as they're under voice control. Maybe that's the kind of parent I'll be....leash free but with voice control.



My kids will be free to run down the aisle of the mall as long as they're within sight and calling range...and they'll be free to dance in front of Hollister while I'm catching up.


Maybe, I won't even be allowed to have kids after comparing them to dogs though.....

Dress up

Wednesday June 23, 2010

I feel like I've been insanely wedding productive this week. Picked out and ordered my wedding jewelry, got a bunch of funny wedding stuff from Hobby Lobby (thank you 50% off sale!), looked at the church to get an idea of what decorating needs to be done, picked up my shoes, etc. etc. etc.

Today was dress up day. I had my final dress fitting and the bebes came over to try on their outfits too. Ariah is already wanting to know if she can take her dress home with her and Ethan is excited that he gets to keep his tux after the wedding so he can wear it to church. They were so cute!

After Ariah got her dress on she wanted to know if Austin was coming over to see it. When I told her no, she said "Well, take a picture of me and send it to him then." Such a princess. She wants everyone to see her all dolled up.

So, here ya go...

The Midget


and The Little Man


and The Fat Baby


Seeing them all dressed up, makes me even more excited about the big day! Only 32 more days!!!

It's kinda like Christmas...

Thursday June 24, 2010

When Sharon and I were little we would sneak out into the living room at night after our parents were asleep and open our gifts. We were very sneaky. It was a meticulous process to ensure that we didn't rip the paper or cut the box. Slowly we would cut the tape with a pair of scissors and then very gently, we would pull the paper away from the box and peak inside. When we were done, we would wrap the gifts back up, very precisely matching the creases and old tape lines.

People think that it's awful to ruin the surprise, but knowing what was inside didn't diminish the anticipation and excitement of opening the box on Christmas morning and FINALLY claiming the treasure inside as mine! To play with or read or wear or watch as much as I wanted.

I love wedding registries because they're kinda like sneaking a peak at your gifts before Christmas! I can get online and see what has been purchased and what is still left. Austin thinks it's awful and that it ruins the surprise, but I disagree. When a present comes, I don't know what's in the box so I still feel the excitement and anticipation as I rip paper away from the packaging or tear into the boxes. And I dance around the living room, clapping my hands like a kid on Christmas day once I discover what's inside. There's a joyful leap in my heart as I think of all the ways I will use the newly possessed prize- I can saute some mushrooms for a salad with the new cookware! Or store all the extra throw blankets in the new ottoman! Or make smoothies every morning for the next month with the blender!! There's nothing more fun than playing with a new toy!

So, I'm incredibly proud of myself that there is a shower gift sitting in my living room still wrapped in it's packaging, bow intact, card unopened all because I am waiting for Austin to come home to open it with me.



I haven't even picked it up or poked at it to get a hint of what may be inside. It just sits there, taunting me, tempting me to take just a tiny peek. Yet, my resolve is undaunting. I will wait....

For now at least :)

Weeding

Tuesday June 22, 2010

I kind of like weeding. Seriously. It's a very cathartic, spiritual experience for me. Grabbing a weed by it's leaves and yanking it's roots out of the ground is better than a hitting a punching bag.

Weeding also makes me think very deep, spiritual thoughts. I don't really know why and it's totally cheesy, but it's true. As I dig out the roots of the weeds that are a little more stubborn and don't want to come out with just a hard yank, I think about sin. I think about how sin is like dandelions that are have their roots in China and as much as I dig, I can't ever seem to get to the bottom. I think that's how sin is in my life. I try to get rid of it all, but some of it just seems so deeply rooted that no matter how hard I dig, I can't get to the bottom of it; I can't seem to completely rid myself of it. I think of the Garden of Eden and how it was so perfect and we were never supposed to have either sin or weeds in life. And I wonder how different things will be in heaven and on the new earth.

I don't ever really have any clear resolutions to these random thoughts other than I hate dandelions and I hate my sin and perhaps if I think of my sin as a God-forsaken dandelion, maybe I'll be less apt to continue in it. I just ponder these random thoughts as I dig and pull, spade in hand, dirt caking under my finger nails until my garden looks weed free. Then I spray on a lot of Round-Up to ensure that whatever I missed dies.

TODAY though, there was no catharsis or pondering as I hacked at my flowerbed with a garden hoe and a rake. I was just there to to some serious damage to the jungle of dandelions and viney weed thingys that had overtaken everything. It was hotter than blue blazes because of course, I got it in my mind to start this attack at noon which meant the most spiritual thought I had was "it's hotter than hell out here!"

Eventually, I managed to clear almost all of the weeds and those I didn't get to, I decided to suffocate with black trash bags. I figure I'll then get mulch to put on top of the trash bags and never have to deal with weeds again. Well, at least not in such large quantities. I think it's probably better for my soul. I can get my catharsis and do my spiritual thinking while weeding the much smaller, less dandelion prone, flower bed by my front door. As least that one is in the shade.

And on a side note, I have no idea why today's picture is blue. Weird.

Lights out

Monday June 21, 2010

It's about 9:25 at night and I'm downstairs watching Dear John (taking advantage of Austin being out of town to watch chick flicks). One minute I'm watching John get on a plane heading off to war and the next I'm in complete darkness. The power in my house is completely out. It's pitch black. And because I watch too much TV, my first thought is "someone's cut the power line to my house and now they're sneaking around upstairs. It's only a matter of time before they creep down the stairs and kill me." Since I figure I only have a few more minutes to live, I take the opportunity to call Austin to say good-bye.

Luckily, he's a little more level headed than I am.

Rachel, use your phone as a flash light and go upstairs. Take the dogs with you.

This is about the time that I realize the dogs are still sleeping on the floor. The fact that they're not bothered in the least by the absolute darkness, puts me at ease. If there was a psycho killer in the house, surely they would have at least barked, right?

I make it upstairs and go to the front door and peek through the window. The power in the entire block is out and I can see the neighbors across the street creeping around their living room with flashlights. Good idea.

Luckily, I am a fan of candles as decor. I light the candles in my living room and use one to carry around the house with me as I search for my flashlight. I must say though, that while I generally find candle light to be romantic, it's a tad creepy when you're walking around the house alone in the unintentional dark. The shadows make pillows strewn across an unmade bed look like a body and now I've gone and freaked myself out again. I make a mental note to make my bed every morning from here on out.

I find the flashlight on the refrigerator but don't really know why I need it since I have the candle. The candle smells much better anyway. Austin asks if I want him to hang up and do some research on the Internet to find the # to call to figure out what happened. I am torn between wanting a legitimate reason for the lights going out (so I can rest assured that it's not a band of killers attacking the entire neighborhood all at once) and wanting him to stay on the phone to make me feel a little more connected to the world.

Finally, I tell him to do his investigating and I call my mom instead. She brings the practical aspect to the scenario.

Rachel, you don't want your power to be out too long or the stuff in your refrigerator will start to go bad. If it's not back on in an hour, bag up your cold stuff and come over here.

Good point. It's past her bedtime at this point, so I let her go. Austin calls back to inform me that the guy from the city said a transformer in the area blew but there was already a team en route to fix it.

Hope!

So, I curl up on the couch to wait for the lights to come back on. Austin says that he has to go to a meeting but he'll call later to make sure I'm okay.

It's just me and the dogs now, hanging out in the romantic candlelit living room. I'm bored so I decide to take pictures...it's the only thing to do when you have no power.



It's amazing how much difference a flash can make!!


Eventually the power comes back on. By this time, I'm too tuckered to finish my movie so I head to bed.

The good news is that a. It wasn't a crazy murderer who shut off my power and I'm still alive to tell the tale and b. my pseudo crisis made Austin admit that he's actually glad I have 2 giant dogs at home with me :) Living on a farm has it's advantages :)

Father's Day

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My father is my hero. He's pretty much the strongest, toughest man I know. I mean, he hunted rogue elephants and leopards in Africa growing up and played Rugby for the South African national team; it doesn't get much more tough than that. He's also the wisest, most funny, caring, and stubborn man I know. I respect him more than anyone. Probably more than he will ever know.



One of the hardest things about him being sick is watching the man who has been my rock my whole life struggle against something that he has no power over. It's hard watching him slowly disappear, but it's most difficult in the moments when I know he's aware of what is happening. When he says "There are days when my mind just goes blank and I can't remember anything..." And I feel so helpless because I don't know what to say or what to do to make it better. I'm sad because I know he is scared. I know he feels helpless and weak and useless. And he's never been any of those things. Ever.

In a sermon one Sunday, many Sundays ago, the pastor used the analogy of our life on earth being a hotel room. He said, you don't go on vacation and redecorate your hotel room. You don't buy new furniture or paint the walls or hang up family photos. Because you know it's only temporary and that you're going home soon. And so it is with our life on earth. It's only temporary and soon, we will be going home.

That truth is what I cling to in moments when I want to cry for the unfairness of my daddy being sick. When I don't understand and can't comprehend why. When I feel helpless and weak. Because I know that this is just the hotel room. And at home, my daddy will be well again. Strong and whole and radiant.

In the mean time, I cling to the funny moments and cherish the time I have with him. Days like today when we go out for mediocre Chinese buffet and dad asks the waitress how to say "Thank you very much" in Chinese, then repeats the phrase to everyone he sees as we leave the restaurant.

Days spent eating ice cream and celebrating Father's Day.








Days spent laughing at my mother who asks my sister if she spray tans because she's so dark and my sister looks at her like she's crazy (because Sharon does not need to spray tan) and immediately turns to dad and says "Dad, do you spray tan too?"



Days when I just smile and say "he's working at camp in Fulton for the next two weeks" when dad asks for the 8th time where Austin is. "A camp for delinquents? I always knew he was a delinquent!" Then he laughs at his own joke and says in his quiet, reflective tone, "Nah. I like him. He's a good boy. He's good for you. I like him."

I agree, Poppie. He reminds me a lot of you.

Family

Saturday June 19, 2010

The other day Austin and I are riding in the car on the way home when he points out an orange and white cat that somewhat resembles my kitty, Jeepers.

See, that's the cat that I thought was Jeepers when I thought she'd run away.

Wishful thinking, huh?

Nooo, not at all. She's a part of our family.

Ahhh, Austin, that's so cute. You called us a family.

Well, it's either a family or a farm....


Well, I can't really argue with that.

Tonight I enjoyed a quite night with the family farm. And since I am once again flyin' solo while Austin's working a summer camp for the next two weeks, I spent it vegged on the couch with a family sized bag of M&Ms, watching DVRed WB shows. I pretty much reached the apex of cool.

Perfect ending

It's been a long week. A long past two weeks actually...taking grad classes, wedding planning, and working at the Tav. Coming home to this after a long day of classes and work though, is a perfect ending to the past couple weeks...



I have the most amazing fiance.

Pool time

I am not a swimmer. I love the beach. I love laying out by the pool. On occasion, I'll even go in for a dip to cool off, but I'm not the kind of person who loves to spend hours in the water, swimming laps or playing water volleyball. I learned today though, that I could definitely be the kind of girl who spends hours on a raft floating around the middle of the pool. Which is exactly how I spent the most relaxing 2 hours of my year this afternoon.


And the experience is only made better by Ronald greeting me as I get in and out of the water.

Columbia

Several people have asked me since becoming engaged if Austin and I will be staying in Columbia or if we will venture off to some more exciting corner of the world. While I love traveling and get horribly excited about the prospect of getting on a plane and ending up in a different country hours later, I also love Columbia. And I think Columbia is the perfect "home base" to return to after all of my (soon to be our) world traveling. Which is works out perfectly because Austin loves Columbia as much as I do. Probably more.

As we walked around downtown Wednesday evening with our Cold Stone treats, I was reminded again of why I love Columbia. I love the community feeling, but also the diversity.




I love that as we walk by the Columns on campus there are students playing a pick up game of soccer on the quad at the same time that two moms are taking pictures of their preschool aged children posing on the plaque honoring our famous pillars. I love that as we stroll through Peace Park, we stumble across an impromptu "Shakespeare in the Park" performance of Othello.

And I love the funny local legends. Austin tells me that according to local lore, if a couple walks across the bridge in Peace Park it means you'll get married. We walked across just to be on the safe side ;)

Kids

Don't EVER, EVER see the movie "Kids" if you haven't been objected to that psychological trauma already. We watched it in class today and it was awful. AW-FUL! I have scenes and images and words burned into my mind that I make a lobotomy sounds like a good idea. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind....

I needed something beautiful to cover the filth. Luckily the scenic drive out to the Reeds provided that. Thank you, Lord for a creation that never ceases to awe and inspire me. And that often helps to provide much needed relief from the filth and deprivation of the world.

And what makes these pictures some of my favorites is that Austin helped out with pointing out things to snap shots of and even took a few pics himself. Thanks, AT...proud of you :)

Andy's

It's spring break of my senior year of college- March 2001- and thanks to a hefty student loan refund check and a generous pre-graduation gift from my parents, I'm off to Europe for 2 weeks to visit my best friend, Bess, who's studying abroad for the year. My roommate, Sara, is going to spend the first week with us and then Bess and I will spend week 2 puttering around the continent. It's going to be the trip of a lifetime....

And in a way it was. It was definitely the kind of trip I hope to only take once in a lifetime. EVERYTHING that could go wrong did. Our Eurail Pass train ticket didn't cover the night train from Madrid to Nice, France that was the first leg of our journey. Then, when we get to France, the entire country is on strike. Oh France...what a love-hate relationship I have with that country....

So, we spend the trip hopping on trains with no tickets like hobos, hoping we didn't get caught (fortunately, we never did...probably because the ticket punchers were on strike...)because we didn't know when the next train was going to be running. Of course, this means that when Sara was supposed to catch a train back to Madrid for her flight home, there was no train running. She and Bess ended up getting tickets on a private tiny plane to Madrid. I opted out of the tiny chartered plane ride because I watched La Bamba in the 6th grade, and know what happens to small planes like that. The plan is for Bess and I to meet in Barcelona for the next leg of our trip after she sends Sara off at the Madrid airport. Of course, I end up on the wrong end of a disconnecting train and wind up stranded in a tiny village in Switzerland. True story. It was a mess. It's a long story that involves me hitch-hiking and a bus driver who I think may have been an angel, BUT the long and short of it is that I end up in Barcelona where I come up the escalator and just happen to find across Bess walking by. And that was just week one.

The rest of the trip has it's own random memories-meeting a circus trapeze artist in a cab in Barcelona, getting my belly button pierced by a guy who didn't speak English, eating peanut butter sandwiches for 2 days straight because we were so low on funds...and ice cream cones from McDonald's in Madrid.

In Madrid, ice cream cones at McDonald's were only $.50 and as I mentioned earlier, by the end of our trip, we were low on $. So, our many of our meals consisted of a PB sandwich and an ice cream cone from Micky D's. More often than not, just the ice cream cone ;) I seriously have never had so much ice cream from McDonald's in my life, before that trip or since.

So, when McDonald's here in Columbia started it's $.49 ice cream cone special this summer, it brought back memories of my wandering the streets of Madrid, taking what Bess and I liked to call the "subway tour" of the city (where we would get on the subway, find a stop on the map that had an interesting name, get off, walk around until we found another subway entrance and start all over again...)and vanilla cones.

Tonight, Austin and I were on our way to Macy's and as we passed McDonald's, I had a craving for an ice cream cone. On our way home, we went through the drive thru only to be told by the girl on the other end of the menu that the ice cream machine was out of order. I think Austin scared the poor girl with his outburst of "OH MY GOD!?!" because there was a long pause until Austin said "Okay, well, thanks..." and the girl stammered back a hesitant, "sorry for the inconvenience"....

Fortunately, my finance isn't so easily dissuaded. As we pull out of McDonald's parking lot, he says to me "It's okay, honey. How about some Andy's. I've got that gift card, I'll take you out there for some ice cream."

[An aside...Austin said I'm not allowed to write about how I think he is my hero for his constant thoughtfulness and for always going out of his way to make me happy (even if it's something as small as an across town ice cream run), so I won't. But this is typically where I would interject something mushy and sentimental like that...]

So, I satisfied my ice cream craving with a strawberry sundae...I mean, it's no $.49 vanilla cone, but I guess it'll do :)

fat baby

It never ceases to amaze me how easily kids can entertain themselves. They don't need fancy toys or video games. Give 'em a pair of shoes or a laundry basket and dog biscuit and they're happy for hours....

vrooom....

eating a yummy doggie treat

just about as tall as Mya

sporting Aunt Turtle's shoe, watchin the rain

tryin' on Papa's shoes...some big shoes to fill.....

storms

Sunday June 13, 2010

One of my favorite memories from college is of dancing in the rain during a summer storm.

I was driving home from Target after working a late shift. It must have been around 10:30 or 11:00 at night and as I was in the car, torrential downpour let loose from the heavens. I'm talking thunder and lightening and sheets of rain. It was awesome! I LOVE summer storms because the air is warm enough that the rain doesn't make you cold. I pulled into the cul de sac in front of our ghetto apartment on Wheaton Ct. and by the time I ran from the car to the door, I was soaked. I burst into the house where my roommates were cuddled up in the living room and told them to come on! We were going to go puddle stomping in the rain!

So, we stripped down to bras and boxers and went running and dancing and twirling in the storm. It was one of those moments when you feel so incredibly alive, like you can feel every nerve in your body tingling with excitement and joy. I've never laughed so hard in my life.

I thought of that night on Wheaton Ct. today as I was hiking through the park. In the span of a few minutes, the sky went from bright and sunny to dark as night. Thunder rumbled through the trees and in seconds rain pounded the leaves and the dirt in front of me turned to mud. I laughed as Mya took off running into the trees for cover from the storm. But, as suddenly as it started, the rain suddenly stopped and the sun poked back out from behind the clouds.





It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can change and how fast time sweeps by. And yet, on weekends like this, when I'm counting the minutes until Austin gets home, time also seems to drag. Only 3 more hours and 13 minutes....

the details

Saturday June 12, 2010

I think the world is often a prettier place through the lense of a camera.

Perhaps only because it makes you view the things around you in a different light, things that may have gone unnoticed before. Small wonders that add beauty to the day and brighten the world.

The first flowers to open and greet the morning.


Or black tape still marking the trees on the path to the spot where you got engaged.





Or pink blooms hiding in a field of green brush.



The camera forces me to examine the details of life that I far too often take for granted. It allows me to marvel in the wonder of the world. And I'm grateful that because of this project, I carry it with me all the more often....

Flyin' solo

Friday June 11, 2010

Austin is gone in Chicago all weekend for his bachelor party and I am left to fend for myself for 3 days. It's funny that you don't realize how much time you spend with someone until they ditch you for a weekend. So, Friday after class, I took the dogs to the park and went for a run to pass the time. The dog park is one of my favorite places in Columbia. I love the rusting bridge that you have to cross to get to the "leash free" trails (although, let's be honest, I never have the dogs on leashes b/c the distance from the car to the leash free zone hardly seems worth it). I love the benches along the main trail and the way the trees canopy the gravel path. I love going and tromping around in the woods and feeling as if I'm in a completely different world. There's something quiet and calming about tiny dirt trails that wind beneath arched ceilings of branches and leaves. There is a serene beauty in hearing birds chirping high overhead and seeing butterflies darting acros the lane in front of you. Time is different in the woods and I have a feeling that I will be spending quite a bit of it here over the next three days...